Artowawa

I curse you with all my heart !!!!

So previously I wrote something about S, which you can view it here . I felt really uneasy about the confrontation. So after a few days I whatsapp S again and state very clearly my reasons why I am upset. And this time S told me that she does have a 4 figure savings and that since she feels that its none of my business decides to lie to me about borrowing the money from her mom to buy the phone. Hmmmm, what does that says about S's personality? That she likes to lie? I dunno.....honestly I dunno, I just felt that I had been used.  So another friend who read my blogs messaged me and told me not to feel upset anymore as this is not actions of a friend anyway.  Therefore, from here on I will not (will try my hardest) not to bother about S anymore. What S does is her life and not mine. I shall stay away from such negativity.

I feel very disgusted. Extremely so.  You see I had (yes past tense) a good friend, someone whom I had known since young. Lets call the person S. S borrowed money from me a couple of years ago. S was in a horrible financial mess. S's was gonna be repossessed by the bank and needed some cash to tie her over. So yeah I landed her a little bit of money and till this day I have never asked for the money back as S always claimed she is still in a financial mess but its getting better. S claimed that she will pay me back as soon as possible. I was fine with that as its not as if I needed that money badly. But whenever I open my IG or FB, I would see her enjoying a night out. Eating at places where I will only go once in a while. In addition to that, S also went for an overseas holiday. Not once but twice or issit more than that? (Cant rem) Albeit it was to some country nearby but still an overseas trip would involve some money right? Not only that I see S driving a new car a...

How do you handle disappointments? I get to such a state that I expect disappointments from this person. Because whenever I have expectations, they never get realized. Just more disappointments. I am getting really tired and weary. Will I get to such a stage that I no longer cares about anything becoz the disappointments are just too much? I guess that I am not that far off from that stage.

I have been so busy lately with so many different things. A bit of good news to share with everyone. I passed my citizenship exam!!!!!! Got my sukacita letter last Thursday! While almost everyone got their letters within the first 3 days, I had only known my results on Thursday at nearly 5pm as I remember that I was gonna go change my running baju. It was the most tense 4 days of my life. Never ever have I felt this way while waiting for exam results.I think it was partly due to the fact that if it were my Uni exam results or CPA results, we all get to know the results at the same time. We either feel happy (pass) or sad/angry (fail) all at the same time. But as the letter was delivered via the postman to our house, we all got our letters at different time. So hence the tension. I finally belong somewhere, to a country where I have lived almost all my life. A country that is truly home to me.  On another note altogether, there were some people who congratulate me ...

Quick to criticize and slow to compliment 

Everytime I feel complacent, I'll look at the message. It never stop me from feeling the surge of adrenaline flowing to my veins. Some words can never be taken back, no matter how you wish it to be.

How do you treat your own parents? Read this and this . Its just sad that there are people like that in this world. I know that my parents love me. They provided me with education and the knowledge that I know that I can be independent in this society. For that I will always be grateful. I was born into an era where inequality of the sex are still plentiful. But I know that my parents love us all equally as well as my beloved grandpa (who sadly passed on when I was only 6 years old) My guess is that those people are too spoiled and self centered and their parents loved them just a bit too much. Treasure your parents and care for them while they are still with you.

Some days are good, some days are not so good and then there are those that are down right bad. Today can be categorized as down right bad I guess. No amount of positiveness can bring it up to a not so good day.

When the whole world seems to be unhappy with me, I tell myself that I am happy with myself (well more or less la). My self worth is not determined by others. Its determined by myself. If I see myself worth less than what it is, then why should anyone else assume more? I could use a little more self esteem right now. More encouragement and less criticism. But hey, life is not perfect. I know that. But one can hope right? I haven been able to sleep easily for the past few months. I would wake up in a space of few hours. I always wake up feeling more tired than ever. I have insomnia. Its so terrible. Even if I manage to sleep, I am always dreaming. I went to the doctor the other day to get something for my migraine and the DR said that my blood pressure is a bit on the border line. That was a surprise....not really coz I know that a good night sleep is very important and without a good nite sleep in months, I guess my health is the first to deteriorate. So yeah, gonna sleep early tonite ...

How does today's society rate a person's appearance? These days appearances are everything. Don't have money? Never just need to look as if you have money. Don't have a good personality? Also never mind, just pretend pretend lo. Don't have brains? Never mind also, as long as look intelligent. (provided one keeps their mouth close as well) We place so much importance on looks and appearances that we tend to overlook other qualities. As long as you look good, then everything is fine and dandy.

The past weekend was one of worst weekend ever. A few things happened......everything in a row. So am feeling quite demotivated at the time being. But not to worry, I'll overcome any obstacles that are in my way. Still feeling tired and worn out. The feelings that I had..... I will never wish anyone to experience it. you know how sometimes it never rains but pours? These things just keep coming and coming. I want to stand up and feel better but before I am the time to recover, another ball comes and hit me lagi. Oh well, I guess at times like these, its better to lie there cover your face and wait for the worst to be over. When the storm is over, stand up, dust your clothes and walk away smiling. The only thing stopping yourself from getting up (after the storm la) is yourself. (So I keep telling myself that) I will overcome all obstacles!!!!!!!! But first, to take some time off to recuperate. Time to go lick my wounds. As per the Terminator.... "I'll be back!"

I have been wondering........ There has and always will have a big hoo ha over the word 'love'. How does 2 person in this whole wide world meets and then decide that they had fallen in love? For me, to be in love with another person, I guess its a matter of the right time, the right place and the right environment. But what happens if the environment changes? The conditions that surrounds you that made you love that person in the first place. Will the so-called love still be there? Will your love for that person be a constant when there are so many variables? There are so many people out there, how can you be so determined that this is the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with? Someone once told me to choose to marry the person that you cant live without. But we humans have survived for so long that the only thing that remains a constant is that we are highly adaptable species. So how do you know that this person is the person that you cant live without. I kn...

Its Friday already....normally I would jump for joy but not today. I am still waiting. I found that waiting is the worst, absolutely the worst thing to experience. I cant do anything about it. I just have to continue on with life as if nothing happened. But everytime I log on to the net and click on facebook, there it is........someone else got it. So it kinda made me scared to log onto MSN or facebook, even my gmail. I have been sleeping late for the past few nights, not becoz I cant sleep, more like I occupied myself with so many things till I don't have the luxury of going to sleep. This is such an important matter to me. I pray that everything is well. P.S. I still cant stand the wait.........its like waiting for the verdict of whether you are guilty or innocent in court man....... P.S.S My neck is very long from waiting already P.S.S.S My fingers are all twisted up from too much fingers crossing. (:P Not funny)

I think when a relationship is at its end, there should be a proper closure. Or else its just never ending. So here goes. I missed you very much. More than anyone can imagine. Not much people can understand the pain of losing you. I was very attached. Extremely so. Our time together was brought to an abrupt end. As it was ended by a third party, there are times that I feel 'bu kan sing'. Perhaps this is what is called fate. You were there for me happy or unhappy. Even though we were good together, I have to admit that our time together is at an end. Thank you very much for all the fun memories. In the loving memory of Silvia S15.

Ever since the other day, someone told me about the principles of Tao, I am trying to forgive those who had crossed me. But sometimes its easier said than done. Especially when they keep coming back with more troubles and problems. Its never ending. I wanna forget and move on with my life (apparently they dun have one). I dunno whether the person that I am referring to reads my blog or not. If you are reading this and wondering whether I am talking about you, probably I am talking about you. You can say anything you want about me. As long as I know that my conscience is clear, I cant be bothered. (as I keep telling myself that I should not be bothered about them) But they are relentless. Say that I have attitude problem towards you. Did you ever wonder why? What about the way that you treated me? Good ho? The way you talked to me, the way you talked behind my back, calling me whatever names. Sorry ho! I am not someone who is two faced. (unlike someone) When I dun like someone, I just w...

Sometimes I wonder....... How come there are such people in this world? But then again, there are all sorts of people in this world. So its not that big a surprise. Actually, they can say whatever they want. Mouth is theirs. We all have to answer to a higher power in the future. I don't dare to say that I am right all the time. I may have done things that I wished that I did not and said things that I should not have. But there is one thing that I can be very certain of. I never have any bad intentions in my mind. I will not take anything that I did not earn. So that is why I hate is when people says that I ask money from my bf or that I wanna cheat anyone of their money. I also do not like it when people says that whatever I have is due to other people's credit. I have worked my ass off (EMPHASIZING) for whatever I have today. I did not get where I am by being a 2 head snake. I work harder and longer than others. I put in real effort and that is why the things that I bought wi...

A lot of things happened lately. Its just one things after another. It gets tiring and its hard to remain in an upbeat manner. But just now, one of my colleague was talking to me about her religion 'tao'. A lot of the things that she told me are very logical and I agree with her. As human beings, we have the tendency to be greedy, selfish, gossip about other people, to name a few. The things that she said, reminded me of what Cikgu Mansor had always preached to us during the intensive classes. We all should be grateful. Grateful to be born in Brunei where compare to our neighbouring countries, we have relatively less crime. For me, the one thing that differentiate us from animals is guilt. Without guilt, then we wont be human anymore. We have to learn how to be more humble, more forgiving and most important of all, more humane.