I just read an e-mail from my friend. She had written in the e-mail that she came across a great email and would like to share with us.
After reading it, I too think its great advice. So I would like to share it with everyone else. Enjoy!
After reading it, I too think its great advice. So I would like to share it with everyone else. Enjoy!
FINDING AND KEEPING A LIFE PARTNER by Dov Heller, M.A.
When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to
50%, it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their
approach to finding Mr./Miss. Right!
If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're getting married,
they'll say: 'We're in love'; I believe this is the ..1 mistake
people make when they date. Choosing a life partner should never be
based on love. Though this may sound 'not politically correct',
there's a profound truth here.
Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the
result of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right,
then the love will come. Let me say it again: 'You can't build a
lifetime relationship on love alone'; You need a lot more!!!
Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you're serious
about finding and keeping a life partner.
QUESTION ...1: Do we share a common life purpose?
Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you're married
for 20 or 30 years, that's a long time to live with someone. What do
you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog
together?
You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a
common life purpose.
Two things can happen in a marriage: (1) You can grow together, or
(2)you can grow apart. 50% of the people out there are growing apart.
To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life!
Bottom line; marry someone who wants the same thing.
QUESTION ..2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts
with this person?
This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship.
Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The
basis of having good communication is trust â€' i.e. trust that I
won't get 'punished'; or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and
feelings.
A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom
you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings... Be honest
with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with
the person you plan to marry.
QUESTION ..3: Is he/she a mensch?
A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can
you test? Here are some suggestions. Do they work on personal growth
on a regular basis? Are they serious about improving themselves? A
teacher of mine defines a good person as 'someone who is always
striving to be good and do the right ';. So ask about your
significant other: What do they do with their time? Is this person
materialistic? Usually a materialistic person is not someone whose
top priority is character refinement.
There are essentially two types of people in the world: (1) People
who are dedicated to personal growth and (2) people who are
dedicated to seeking comfort. Someone whose goal in life is to be
comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right
thing. You need to know that before walking down the aisle.
QUESTION ...4: How does he/she treat other people?
The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the
ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another
person pleasure.
Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are
they wrapped up in themselves and selfâ€' absorbed?
To measure this, think about the following: How do they treat people
whom they do not have to be nice to, such as waiters, bus boys, taxi
drivers, etc.. How do they treat their parents and siblings? Do they
have gratitude and appreciation?
If they don't have gratitude for the people who have given them
everything; can you do nearly as much for them? You can be sure that
someone, who treats others poorly, will eventually treat you poorly
as well.
QUESTION ..5: Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this
person after we're married?
Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the
intention of trying to 'improve'; them after they're married. As a
colleague of mine puts it: 'You can probably expect someone to
change after marriage for the worse' If you cannot fully accept this
person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them.
In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and treacherous.
The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with
your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you are
dating; to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the
key issues.
Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring
on your finger, you don't want to find yourself trouble because you
didn't do your homework.
Another perspective...
There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a
distance.. It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of
or at least minimize your time with draining, negative,
incompatible, notâ€'going anywhere relationships. Observe the
relationships around you.
Pay attention...Which ones lift and which ones lean?
Which ones encourage and which ones discourage?
Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going
downhill?
When you leave certain people do you feel better or feel worse?
Which ones dont appreciate you?
Which ones make you feel good, praises you, boosts you with loving
and caring words or annotations.
The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and
truth around you...the easier it will become for you to decide who
gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony
of your life.
An African proverb states, 'Before you get married, keep both eyes
open, and after you marry, close one eye'; Before you get involved
and make a commitment to someone, don't let lust, desperation,
immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low selfâ€'esteem
make you blind to warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and don't fool
yourself that you can change someone or that what you see as faults
aren't really that important.
Do you bring out the best in each other?
Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete,
compare and control?
What do you bring to the relationship?
Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain?
You can't take someone to the altar to alter them. You can't make
someone love you or make someone stay.
If you develop selfâ€'esteem, spiritual discernment, and 'a life';
you won't find yourself making someone else responsible for your hap
piness or responsible for your pain. Seeking status, sex, and securi
ty are the wrong reasons to be in a relationship.
WHAT KEEPS A RELATIONSHIP STRONG IS:
1. TRUST
2. COMMUNICATION
3. INTIMACY
4. A SENSE OF HUMOR
5. SHARING TASKS
6. DAILY EXCHANGES (meal, shared activity, hug, call, touch, notes,
etc.)
7. SHARING COMMON GOALS AND INTERESTS
8. GIVING EACH OTHER SPACE TO GROW WITHOUT FEELING INSECURE
9.GIVING EACH OTHER A SENSE OF BELONGING AND ASSURANCES OF COMMITMENT
10. CONCERN AND CARE FOR YOUR LOVER IN YOUR OWN WAYS.
If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as
resentment withdrawal, abuse, neglect, and dishonesty; and pain will
replace.
50%, it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their
approach to finding Mr./Miss. Right!
If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're getting married,
they'll say: 'We're in love'; I believe this is the ..1 mistake
people make when they date. Choosing a life partner should never be
based on love. Though this may sound 'not politically correct',
there's a profound truth here.
Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the
result of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right,
then the love will come. Let me say it again: 'You can't build a
lifetime relationship on love alone'; You need a lot more!!!
Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you're serious
about finding and keeping a life partner.
QUESTION ...1: Do we share a common life purpose?
Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you're married
for 20 or 30 years, that's a long time to live with someone. What do
you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog
together?
You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a
common life purpose.
Two things can happen in a marriage: (1) You can grow together, or
(2)you can grow apart. 50% of the people out there are growing apart.
To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life!
Bottom line; marry someone who wants the same thing.
QUESTION ..2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts
with this person?
This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship.
Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The
basis of having good communication is trust â€' i.e. trust that I
won't get 'punished'; or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and
feelings.
A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom
you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings... Be honest
with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with
the person you plan to marry.
QUESTION ..3: Is he/she a mensch?
A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can
you test? Here are some suggestions. Do they work on personal growth
on a regular basis? Are they serious about improving themselves? A
teacher of mine defines a good person as 'someone who is always
striving to be good and do the right ';. So ask about your
significant other: What do they do with their time? Is this person
materialistic? Usually a materialistic person is not someone whose
top priority is character refinement.
There are essentially two types of people in the world: (1) People
who are dedicated to personal growth and (2) people who are
dedicated to seeking comfort. Someone whose goal in life is to be
comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right
thing. You need to know that before walking down the aisle.
QUESTION ...4: How does he/she treat other people?
The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the
ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another
person pleasure.
Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are
they wrapped up in themselves and selfâ€' absorbed?
To measure this, think about the following: How do they treat people
whom they do not have to be nice to, such as waiters, bus boys, taxi
drivers, etc.. How do they treat their parents and siblings? Do they
have gratitude and appreciation?
If they don't have gratitude for the people who have given them
everything; can you do nearly as much for them? You can be sure that
someone, who treats others poorly, will eventually treat you poorly
as well.
QUESTION ..5: Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this
person after we're married?
Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the
intention of trying to 'improve'; them after they're married. As a
colleague of mine puts it: 'You can probably expect someone to
change after marriage for the worse' If you cannot fully accept this
person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them.
In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and treacherous.
The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with
your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you are
dating; to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the
key issues.
Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring
on your finger, you don't want to find yourself trouble because you
didn't do your homework.
Another perspective...
There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a
distance.. It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of
or at least minimize your time with draining, negative,
incompatible, notâ€'going anywhere relationships. Observe the
relationships around you.
Pay attention...Which ones lift and which ones lean?
Which ones encourage and which ones discourage?
Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going
downhill?
When you leave certain people do you feel better or feel worse?
Which ones dont appreciate you?
Which ones make you feel good, praises you, boosts you with loving
and caring words or annotations.
The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and
truth around you...the easier it will become for you to decide who
gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony
of your life.
An African proverb states, 'Before you get married, keep both eyes
open, and after you marry, close one eye'; Before you get involved
and make a commitment to someone, don't let lust, desperation,
immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low selfâ€'esteem
make you blind to warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and don't fool
yourself that you can change someone or that what you see as faults
aren't really that important.
Do you bring out the best in each other?
Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete,
compare and control?
What do you bring to the relationship?
Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain?
You can't take someone to the altar to alter them. You can't make
someone love you or make someone stay.
If you develop selfâ€'esteem, spiritual discernment, and 'a life';
you won't find yourself making someone else responsible for your hap
piness or responsible for your pain. Seeking status, sex, and securi
ty are the wrong reasons to be in a relationship.
WHAT KEEPS A RELATIONSHIP STRONG IS:
1. TRUST
2. COMMUNICATION
3. INTIMACY
4. A SENSE OF HUMOR
5. SHARING TASKS
6. DAILY EXCHANGES (meal, shared activity, hug, call, touch, notes,
etc.)
7. SHARING COMMON GOALS AND INTERESTS
8. GIVING EACH OTHER SPACE TO GROW WITHOUT FEELING INSECURE
9.GIVING EACH OTHER A SENSE OF BELONGING AND ASSURANCES OF COMMITMENT
10. CONCERN AND CARE FOR YOUR LOVER IN YOUR OWN WAYS.
If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as
resentment withdrawal, abuse, neglect, and dishonesty; and pain will
replace.
Comments
11. Accept him/her as who he/she is. Never attempt to change him/her. If it's Carlsberg that make him/her happy, then Carlsberg it is. Not Tiger.
If it's unacceptable, then better don't marry.